Thursday, November 22, 2007

Thanksgiving

I made it through today, Thanksgiving. I cried yesterday. I knew there would be no opportunity for me today. Eric and I hosted. It was weird to await my parents' arrival, knowing my grandmother would not be walking up my walk. My mom was sad and my aunt was sadder, and I tried my best to keep everyone level headed. Adam thought great-grandma was coming too and this upset my mom. He doesn't always understand, he is 4. But he and his sister brought more joy to the day than I could have imagined. And that is what I am most thankful for.

Saturday, November 3, 2007

Blue

Blue was her favorite color. For my 13th birthday, she and my grandfather bought me a beautiful sterling silver ring with a blue stone in it, surrounded by two tiny diamonds. The blue is not turquoise or aquamarine, not sky or cobalt or navy. At times I am sure the stone is a blue zircon but then I see advertisements for these and it's just not quite the same.

I have a habit now of making sure my hand with the ring shows to the sky at least once a day. This helps me feel connected to her, it's crazy I know. There was a stretch of gray, rainy days a few weeks back and my sadness matched the color of the sky. I like to think she is my blue sky, and when the days were gray, that's when I started showing my hand. This way I think she can always see me.