Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday in Heaven grandma! I hope you have a big box of Russell Stover chocolates to enjoy and watch General Hospital!  Give grandpa a big hug. xoxo

Missing You Today and Everyday

Missing you today and everyday.  Alison is graduating 6th grade - I wish you were here. She misses you so much, we all do.

miss you today and always. mommy is starting to sound more and more like you on the telephone.

Thank You So Much

Been meaning to post for a few weeks.
I took Ali to see The Muppet Movie.  It was really cute.  She had a great time.  Just her and I in the dark of the theater eating contraband candy.  She whispered to me four times, "Thank you so much."  I thought the first time she said it she just really was enjoying the film.  But after the third time, realized she was expressing her joy at being alone with me, something that doesn't happen as much as we'd like. 
When I hear the muppet theme song, tears come to my eyes.  I watched the show when it ran with my brother and Daddy.  But it was that warm fuzzy feeling, knowing my family was fine, my grandparents lived up the block and my aunts were close by too. 

Thanksgiving

Miss you so much it hurts, still.

Just Monday

Just missing you today, like most days.

How Big is Big Enough?

I am wondering today, how big is big enough? Will I forever be the bigger person? Why doesn't the other person look away, why is it always me? Her voice came to me today, while I was standing in my kitchen. "Ame, look away, just look away" as she taught me. Sometimes I honestly do get tired of always being the one to extend the olive branch. Sorry Grandma

Think About the Sun

I really miss her, so much, it has gone on for almost three years but for some reason, this winter it has almost been too much to bear. The weather has been incredibly impossible, several snowstorms and a nor'easter
I am prepping to host my husbands family and my parents for Passover. It breaks my heart again that she cannot be here to enjoy it with us, with me. I made sure to hang up the wedding portrait but it really is not the same.

Don't Stop Thinking About Tomorrow

Wow, I didn't realize it's been almost 6 months since my last post. Life goes on and time speeds along. Grandma you have missed so much and we miss you so much.

Rhoda died last week. This has such big repercussions for all of us. I am trying to support my parents, who now mourn the loss of a very dear friend, neighbor and peer. I am trying to support my friend, Barbara, who is now an orphan and so very sad. I am trying to help others by securing a space for all of Rhoda's furnishings, a home where someone is in need. And I too am sad. Rhoda was such a nice person. Anyone who knows me well knows I don't use the word "nice" - I find it to be generic and thoughtless. But the online dictionary defines nice as, "amiably pleasant; kind" and that's what Rhoda was. She was uncomplicated and lived a simple life.

It was fitting on the drive home from the funeral I turned on the radio and listened to Fleetwood Mac's classic, "Don't Stop Thinking About Tomorrow." Barbara and I recorded ourselves singing along to this catchy tune one summer night - we used a cassette recorder and all I can say is in our situation "two wrongs do not make a right." Our voices over the song and singers were hideous! I just had to laugh out loud recalling how silly we were. I hope she knows no matter how different we are, she is still a sister to me.

Just Missing You

I cried when we arrived at the Magic Kingdom on June 27, 2009 and know you would have just loved to experience this with my kids! They miss you too, but in a different way.

Erev Thanksgiving

I am thinking about my grandmother more and more these days. It is probably 'that' time of year: her wedding anniversary was a few days ago and tomorrow is Thanksgiving. How is it this is our second thanksgiving without her?

Not a day goes by still, that I am not missing her. I worry that my family is falling apart because she is gone. She was not a saviour but she kept so many things in balance for so many of us and things are still coming apart at the seams. I guess when everything is unraveled things can begin to be knit again.

Just Tired

I am so tired of missing my grandmother. And I am angry, an anger I can't really reveal to anyone because there is no one to support, deflect or absorb some of its energy.

Turning 7

She is turning 7 and my grandmother is not here to enjoy her. I hope she could see her from heaven in her swim lesson yesterday.

Superstar

I'm listening to The Carpenters while I clean the house. To me, they represent my childhood in the 1970s. The feelings I had that the world was perfect, and everyone around me too. Nothing bad ever happened to me or anyone I loved. The most horrible thing was having an annoying little brother.

The summers were especially wonderful. There were children everywhere, it was sunny almost every day. We would bea at the pool all day and play out at night and catch fireflies while the grown-ups sat in folding lawn chairs and talked. The parents all took turns buying treats for all of us from the ice cream when he arrived at our block. My best friend Lisa and I would circle the block for hours, playing either The Carpenters music or the Captain and Tenille or her cassette player. This was years before Sony Walkmans and iPods.

My grandparents were always there. Always. It was wonderful that they lived in an apartment up the block from ours. They would pass by my bedroom window on their walk down to our side of the block. I would just get so HAPPY seeing them pass by, knowing they would be around. I was so blessed.

Got Through

I got through the 4th of July this year by continuing to distance myself from the loss as much as I could. But on the beach watching the fireworks at Sea Isle City, I just softened, and hugged Adam and asked him if he thought great-grandma was watching the fireworks too, as tears rolled down my cheeks. My sweet boy told me he thought gweat-gwandma was with her husband cuddled in bed watching them. I hugged him to tight I thought he would break.

Here We Are

Here we are, July 3 2008. Today would be the anniversary of the last day of my grandmother's life. I was awake thinking about this last night, how it can't possibly be a year since I spoke to her or hugged her, that she has not been physically here.

July 1, 2007 marked the last day I saw her. She came over to celebrate my aunt's birthday. We sat outside, and ate paninis from EAT Oceanside, a restaurant Eric and I like. We ordered each sandwich individually so everyone could enjoy what they really wanted. Afterwards, Eric brought his laptop to the back yard, and we wasted away the afternoon listening to possible songs for my mom to download as her ringtone. I wonder what my grandma was thinking - how you could listen to the radio on your computer and set it up so you could play music on your cell phone!

We hugged and said goodbye and our usual "I love you mores" and that was it.

On the eve of the anniversary of her death I am sad and nauseated and know I haven't really begun to deal with my grief. I miss her so much: her love looks, her smiles to me, her hugs, the way she said Ame, and how she adored my children. I want to believe I am lucky to have had her, and I intellectually know that. But it still hurts like hell.

Father's Day

I could not take any photos today or videos. The last video, in fact one of the only videos I have of my grandmother, the one posted on this blog, was taken on Father's Day 2007. While it wouldn't be the last time I had my grandma over, it was the last time I took photos of her. I missed her today, as I do every day.

Done Crying

I thought I wouldn't cry today. I cried yesterday. The hole I feel is too big today. It's Alex's bar mitzvah and I just need her there. I would do just about anything to have her walk in to the sanctuary and take a seat. It still hurts too much.

Adam's remark

When we joined my family last week at the diner, I was so happy to see Adam. My parents and aunt had taken him with them to the cemetery to visit my grandmother. Adam told me he was a good boy and that he put rocks on the stone. He said he wants to do that again next year, if great grandma is still there.

Mother's Day

I have a knot in the pit of my stomach. I wanted so much to buy a "Great Grandma" card this year from my children. And there were some lovely cards from ME - HER ONLY GRANDDAUGHTER. I wish she were here today, and everyday, more than I wish for other possible and impossible things.

Maybe I will see her like I did briefly on Passover. I only told Eric and I know he thought I was nuts. She was wearing the tie-dye hoodie I gave her and sitting in my parents' living room, in the rocking chair. She was giving me her love-look.