Alison is 6 today!

Alison is 6 today!!!! Very bittersweet. My grandmother waited at the hospital with my mom and her friend Ronna until the BIG moment arrived. My mom claimed she never saw Eric look prouder than when he marched out in to the Waiting Room to announce we had a daughter! My grandmother would get to see Alison through the Nursery window while I was still in Recovery. My memory blurs at this point and I don't recall who came to my room with me. Knowing my grandmother was nearby made Alison's birth even more glorious.

In Alison's honor, I turned the calendar pages today to August. All of them. It is her day to shine.

Sick Call

I guess I never realized how much I spoke with my grandmother. I became sick on Friday and by Friday night it occurred to me, this was the first time in several years that my grandmother didn't call to check on me.

It would start with a conversation with my mother, usually during one of her daily calls to me. And then within minutes my grandmother would call to check on me.

I had to be sick alone this time. It will take some getting used to.

Our First Party

Somehow we made it through today. It was our first party since...My daughter Alison sparkled as the star of her gymnastics party for the big #6. We'd promiser her a party at a place just for #6, since all the other birthday parties were celebrated in our backyard. Not that she didn't love those, but we felt this was the year for the "outside" party. I think back and wonder if I should have done it earlier, and why I waited until #6.

I got through the day, mostly with a massive head cold, and with some tears. My best friend was there to give me lots of hugs. At some point I just had to switch off the grief, and it seemed to work. I know my mom and Aunt were feeling the loss too.

I just tucked Alison in to bed, and she sniffed in my ear. Asking her why she responded, "I miss great grandma" and we talked about how she is always in our hearts.

Clearing the Cards

My daughter's sixth birthday is one week from today, and she has already received two gifts. I let her open one, as I suspected what was in it and I knew she would be absolutely thrilled. She was. The most beautiful outfits for her American Girl doll, Samantha.

But also with the gift was a birthday card. Of course. And now I feel compelled to take down the sympathy cards that have been hanging up for a month. I don't know where to put them, and I can't throw them out. For me, they finalize the book of my grandmother's life.

One Month

Today is one month, August 4th. She died on July 4th. The 4th will always have a cloud over it and hopefully someday the cloud won't be so dark and heavy.

We're off to PA today to celebrate a little girl's birthday. I can't say that I'm looking forward to it, mostly to socializing and being at a party. I will have to think of it as a rehearsal for my own daughters birthday party which will be next week, sans my grandma. Maybe I should just put it out of my mind and get through this day.

Crying

Some minutes the only thing I feel like doing is crying. Nothing more, nothing less.

August Already

I have calendars all over my house. There is one in the pantry, two in the kitchen, two in my daughter's room, one above my computer desk, a pocket-sized one for all my extra notes, and a forty-year one in my bedroom. They all say July.

I am usually vigilant in turning the pages and look forward to seeing the new artwork each month. My daughter and I like to put the magnets on hers, and she's beginning to understand what all the scheduling is about in her life.

But today I cannot bring myself to turn over any pages or place any tiles. It is a new month, which means the last month my grandmother was alive was last month. I don't want it to be August, I want it to be July. Specifically July 1st, the last day I saw her. The last time she sang along to music, ate at my house, relaxed in my backyard, celebrated my aunt's birthday. The last time she hugged and kissed me. The last time my children would ever see their great-grandma.

I am nauseated from my sadness and I don't want the calendar to keep moving forward. I just want her here.