Father's Day

I could not take any photos today or videos. The last video, in fact one of the only videos I have of my grandmother, the one posted on this blog, was taken on Father's Day 2007. While it wouldn't be the last time I had my grandma over, it was the last time I took photos of her. I missed her today, as I do every day.

Done Crying

I thought I wouldn't cry today. I cried yesterday. The hole I feel is too big today. It's Alex's bar mitzvah and I just need her there. I would do just about anything to have her walk in to the sanctuary and take a seat. It still hurts too much.

Adam's remark

When we joined my family last week at the diner, I was so happy to see Adam. My parents and aunt had taken him with them to the cemetery to visit my grandmother. Adam told me he was a good boy and that he put rocks on the stone. He said he wants to do that again next year, if great grandma is still there.

Mother's Day

I have a knot in the pit of my stomach. I wanted so much to buy a "Great Grandma" card this year from my children. And there were some lovely cards from ME - HER ONLY GRANDDAUGHTER. I wish she were here today, and everyday, more than I wish for other possible and impossible things.

Maybe I will see her like I did briefly on Passover. I only told Eric and I know he thought I was nuts. She was wearing the tie-dye hoodie I gave her and sitting in my parents' living room, in the rocking chair. She was giving me her love-look.

Passover

Passover starts this evening, and I will be at my parents, celebrating, with a giant whole in my heart. I was up in the middle of the night last night, just crying, because I miss my grandmother so much and I cannot have my grief at my parents house.

I guess this is how it will be from now on. I will grieve and cry the day before the evening before every Jewish holiday, and any other holiday I spend at my parents.

As my grandmother used to say at the end of every seder, "and a little money wouldn't hurt."

The Birthday Cake

On March 4th I woke up sad as expected. There was nothing I could to prevent it so I just went with it. I felt removed from myself but managed to get through my morning. I don't recall if Eric or I mentioned why we were both sad but one of the kids asked for a birthday cake.

So after valet-ing Alison to her school and bringing Adam to his, I went to the supermarket and bought a container of chocolate frosting and came home and baked us a chocolate birthday cake.

After dinner, we all sang happy birthday to great-grandma. I don't know if this was the right thing to do. My grandmother loved chocolate, my kids love cake, and I just had to find a way through the darkenss of the day.

90th

This is the weekend I would have hosted my grandmother's 90th birthday party. We were all so excited at this milestone. It would have been in my house I am sure, with yummies and presents and love. I know I would have made my sherbert punch and hot onion dip. We probably would have had lunch and something chocolate-y for dessert. I am just raw with anger that my grandmother is gone forever.