Done Crying

I thought I wouldn't cry today. I cried yesterday. The hole I feel is too big today. It's Alex's bar mitzvah and I just need her there. I would do just about anything to have her walk in to the sanctuary and take a seat. It still hurts too much.

Adam's remark

When we joined my family last week at the diner, I was so happy to see Adam. My parents and aunt had taken him with them to the cemetery to visit my grandmother. Adam told me he was a good boy and that he put rocks on the stone. He said he wants to do that again next year, if great grandma is still there.

Mother's Day

I have a knot in the pit of my stomach. I wanted so much to buy a "Great Grandma" card this year from my children. And there were some lovely cards from ME - HER ONLY GRANDDAUGHTER. I wish she were here today, and everyday, more than I wish for other possible and impossible things.

Maybe I will see her like I did briefly on Passover. I only told Eric and I know he thought I was nuts. She was wearing the tie-dye hoodie I gave her and sitting in my parents' living room, in the rocking chair. She was giving me her love-look.