Grandpa

I woke up this morning, and my first thought was to call my grandmother. Today is my grandfather's birthday, and in recent years I made it a point to talk to her. We both loved him very much. His death in 1983 cracked my world. My grandma and I would talk about him and how wonderful he was and comfort each other. It sucks that I can't do that now.

Thanksgiving

I made it through today, Thanksgiving. I cried yesterday. I knew there would be no opportunity for me today. Eric and I hosted. It was weird to await my parents' arrival, knowing my grandmother would not be walking up my walk. My mom was sad and my aunt was sadder, and I tried my best to keep everyone level headed. Adam thought great-grandma was coming too and this upset my mom. He doesn't always understand, he is 4. But he and his sister brought more joy to the day than I could have imagined. And that is what I am most thankful for.

Blue

Blue was her favorite color. For my 13th birthday, she and my grandfather bought me a beautiful sterling silver ring with a blue stone in it, surrounded by two tiny diamonds. The blue is not turquoise or aquamarine, not sky or cobalt or navy. At times I am sure the stone is a blue zircon but then I see advertisements for these and it's just not quite the same.

I have a habit now of making sure my hand with the ring shows to the sky at least once a day. This helps me feel connected to her, it's crazy I know. There was a stretch of gray, rainy days a few weeks back and my sadness matched the color of the sky. I like to think she is my blue sky, and when the days were gray, that's when I started showing my hand. This way I think she can always see me.

Harold and the Purple Crayon

Snuggled in bed with my children last Sunday morning, I put on the television show Harold and the Purple Crayon, based on the series of books Harold and the Purple Crayon.

In this episode, Harold was busy searching for his fish, Goldie. At the end of the story it was revealed that Goldie died. I stifled myself so the kids didn't see me but inside I was just crumbling. They didn't make the connection. In fact, they seemed more interested in having breakfast which I suppose was a good thing. My grandmother would have enjoyed there being a fish named Goldie.

Daisy May

Today is the anniversary of Daisy May's death. One year. It does not seem possible I have been cat-less for that long, when being catted for twenty years.

There is a photo of Daisy May sitting with my grandma. I can't find it right now but will have to. They are both on my futon and grandma is smiling.

Now neither are here.

About Grandmas, in general

Grandmas are moms with lots of frosting. ~Author Unknown

What a bargain grandchildren are! I give them my loose change, and they give me a million dollars' worth of pleasure. ~Gene Perret

Grandmothers are just "antique" little girls. ~Author Unknown

Perfect love sometimes does not come until the first grandchild.
~Welsh Proverb

A grandmother is a babysitter who watches the kids instead of the television. ~Author Unknown

Never have children, only grandchildren. ~Gore Vidal

Becoming a grandmother is wonderful. One moment you're just a mother. The next you are all-wise and prehistoric. ~Pam Brown


When grandparents enter the door, discipline flies out the window.
~Ogden Nash

Grandma always made you feel she had been waiting to see just
you all day and now the day was complete. ~ Marcy DeMaree

Grandmas never run out of hugs or cookies. ~Author unknown

Grandmas hold our tiny hands for just a little while, but our
hearts forever. ~Author Unknown

If I had known how wonderful it would be to have grandchildren,
I'd have had them first. ~Lois Wyse

If becoming a grandmother was only a matter of choice, I should
advise every one of you straight away to become one. There is
no fun for old people like it! ~Hannah Whithall Smith

It's such a grand thing to be a mother of a mother - that's why the
world calls her grandmother. ~Author Unknown

Grandchildren are God's way of compensating us for growing
old. ~Mary H. Waldrip

You do not really understand something unless you can explain
it to your grandmother. ~Proverb

An hour with your grandchildren can make you feel young again.
Anything longer than that, and you start to age quickly. ~Gene Perret

The best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby's grandparents. You
feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long
periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida . ~Dave Barry

Grandmother-grandchild relationships are simple. Grandmas
are short on criticism and long on love. ~Author Unknown

Nobody can do for little children what grandparents do.
Grandparents sort of sprinkle stardust over the lives of
little children. ~Alex Haley

Grandmother - a wonderful mother with lots of
practice. ~Author Unknown

If your baby is "beautiful and perfect, never cries or fusses,
sleeps on schedule and burps on demand, an angel all the
time," you're the grandma. ~Teresa Bloomingdale

What is it a bout grandparents that is so lovely? I'd like to say
that grandparents are God's gifts to children. And if they can
but see, hear and feel what these people have to give, they
can mature at a fast rate. ~Bill Cosby

That *other* day

Yesterday, September 24, marked the anniversary of my grandfather's death. He died in 1983. It's been twenty-four years and I can still recollect my dad's face when he told me and how I walked into our kitchen not knowing what to do with myself. The grief surrounded me like a bubble and I couldn't hear myself crying.

September 24 became a day I would always dread. In recent years I would call my grandmother as I knew she missed him too. I was his princess, the only grandaughter and the oldest. I had Al the longest, Goldie too.

It is almost three months and it feels like yesterday.

My Hand

While stopped at a traffic light yesterday, I noticed my engagement ring was turned inside, so the stone pressed against my palm. I fiddled the ring around, and immediately saw my grandmother's hand in mine.

I am not crazy nor was I hallucinating. She and I used to sit together and hold hands. My eyes started to well with tears as I the image of our hands clasped together quickly faced and was replaced with the notion they will never be again.

i miss her TOO!

Within 5 minutes of being at my parents for Rosh Hashanah last week I felt like
screaming, "I MISS HER TOO!"

It became painfully clear I will never be able to be sad about my grandmother's death at my parents.

Instead, I looked away. And I shut down. I will never be able to be sad about my grandmother's death in the company of some of my relatives again. I will forever be stifling my feelings in their presence.

It's not fair.

There is just too much sadness there, leaving little room for my own.

Hava Nagilah

Eric and I were at a wedding on Sunday. We both looked great and were happy for the bride and groom. We started dance to Hava Nagila and all seemed to be going well, even though many apparently do not know how to dance the Horah.

In the middle of dancing, I got very hot. I stopped moving and started to sweat. It was then I felt the wave of grief coasting over me. My grandmother would not be at my children's Bar and Bat Mitvahs. It was far-fetched ever thinking that she would. But Alex's Bar Mitzvah is in May, and it was to be the "follow up" event (we kidded) to her celebrating her 90th birthday in March.

No one but Eric noticed I had stopped and that my eyes were full of tears. I know he knew my thoughts and I didn't have to say a word.

Disney World

As an eight year old girl, my family vacationed with another family of four. We were 4 parents and 4 children (ages, 8, 7, 5 and 4). Additionally I had the luxury of having my grandparents on this two-week vacation.

We had a blast. This was back when Disney still used the ticketing method and we had to ration out each days' ride tickets. I look back at all the photos and what a wonderful time I recall.

My grandparents loved each other and they loved us. While watching a documentary on the design and development of Walt Disney World in Florida, I was so overcome I couldn't watch it.

My grandmother loved Disney World and everything it meant. She was a kid at heart. We were hoping that after her 90th birthday next March, that we would have been able to go as a family in the summer to Disney again.

Now planning the trip seems empty and my mind won't engage on any of the details when my Dad wants to talk about it. My fairy godmother isn't here anymore.

Elliott

On Saturday I met a long lost relative, Elliott. I had sought him out on the Internet, based on his mother's obituary. His mother apparently was my grandmother's first cousin, someone she never knew.

Elliott's photo was online and in my eye, there was a family resemblence around the eyes. Elliott and his wife Barbara visited my house and brought photos. There is a striking resemblance between his grandfather Isidor and my great-grandfather Morris. It is here we assume they are brothers.

Their parents were Samuel and Minnie. It would appear Morris travelled here separately from his family. Isidor's son believes his father was one of nine children, and the more I search the Ancestry registries, the more I come up with.

Elliott also knew one of his great Aunts, and this is my grandmother's Aunt whom she recalled throughout her life.

It is a shame that for whatever reason the brothers didn't talk, and we never knew about large chunks of our family. With the Internet it is easier to find people. I only wish my grandmother were here to travel this ancestral discovery with me. But she left me with a bunch of names and places, and hopefully my family tree will fill out nicely.

Alison is 6 today!

Alison is 6 today!!!! Very bittersweet. My grandmother waited at the hospital with my mom and her friend Ronna until the BIG moment arrived. My mom claimed she never saw Eric look prouder than when he marched out in to the Waiting Room to announce we had a daughter! My grandmother would get to see Alison through the Nursery window while I was still in Recovery. My memory blurs at this point and I don't recall who came to my room with me. Knowing my grandmother was nearby made Alison's birth even more glorious.

In Alison's honor, I turned the calendar pages today to August. All of them. It is her day to shine.

Sick Call

I guess I never realized how much I spoke with my grandmother. I became sick on Friday and by Friday night it occurred to me, this was the first time in several years that my grandmother didn't call to check on me.

It would start with a conversation with my mother, usually during one of her daily calls to me. And then within minutes my grandmother would call to check on me.

I had to be sick alone this time. It will take some getting used to.

Our First Party

Somehow we made it through today. It was our first party since...My daughter Alison sparkled as the star of her gymnastics party for the big #6. We'd promiser her a party at a place just for #6, since all the other birthday parties were celebrated in our backyard. Not that she didn't love those, but we felt this was the year for the "outside" party. I think back and wonder if I should have done it earlier, and why I waited until #6.

I got through the day, mostly with a massive head cold, and with some tears. My best friend was there to give me lots of hugs. At some point I just had to switch off the grief, and it seemed to work. I know my mom and Aunt were feeling the loss too.

I just tucked Alison in to bed, and she sniffed in my ear. Asking her why she responded, "I miss great grandma" and we talked about how she is always in our hearts.

Clearing the Cards

My daughter's sixth birthday is one week from today, and she has already received two gifts. I let her open one, as I suspected what was in it and I knew she would be absolutely thrilled. She was. The most beautiful outfits for her American Girl doll, Samantha.

But also with the gift was a birthday card. Of course. And now I feel compelled to take down the sympathy cards that have been hanging up for a month. I don't know where to put them, and I can't throw them out. For me, they finalize the book of my grandmother's life.

One Month

Today is one month, August 4th. She died on July 4th. The 4th will always have a cloud over it and hopefully someday the cloud won't be so dark and heavy.

We're off to PA today to celebrate a little girl's birthday. I can't say that I'm looking forward to it, mostly to socializing and being at a party. I will have to think of it as a rehearsal for my own daughters birthday party which will be next week, sans my grandma. Maybe I should just put it out of my mind and get through this day.

Crying

Some minutes the only thing I feel like doing is crying. Nothing more, nothing less.

August Already

I have calendars all over my house. There is one in the pantry, two in the kitchen, two in my daughter's room, one above my computer desk, a pocket-sized one for all my extra notes, and a forty-year one in my bedroom. They all say July.

I am usually vigilant in turning the pages and look forward to seeing the new artwork each month. My daughter and I like to put the magnets on hers, and she's beginning to understand what all the scheduling is about in her life.

But today I cannot bring myself to turn over any pages or place any tiles. It is a new month, which means the last month my grandmother was alive was last month. I don't want it to be August, I want it to be July. Specifically July 1st, the last day I saw her. The last time she sang along to music, ate at my house, relaxed in my backyard, celebrated my aunt's birthday. The last time she hugged and kissed me. The last time my children would ever see their great-grandma.

I am nauseated from my sadness and I don't want the calendar to keep moving forward. I just want her here.

Blue

In my pantry I went to retrieve some back yard items. I was hosting a playdate and pizza was en route for the masses. Hoisting down my wire hold-all, the blue cups were there.

Goldie's favorite color was blue, it didn't matter what shade. And for my aunt's birthday on July 1, I purchased turquoise plates, cups, napkins and cutlery. Seeing them, my heart felt heavy, and I opted to put out navy cups and Mickey Mouse-themed napkins and plates.

I wonder, will it always be like this? And I have enough experience to know. Yes, it will. Blue will forever be the color of Goldie.

Miss Her

Some days I just really miss her.

My First Laugh

Today I had my first laugh since my grandmother died on July 4th. Eighteen days. When I lost Solomon, the first laugh was in a foriegn country and it was about two months after my tragedy.

Again, I have Alex to thank, unbeknownst to him. He made a remark that was just side-splitting hilarious, but manners prevent me from stating what it was. Eric and I sat in disbelief, waiting for Alex to say, "just kidding." He didn't and that just made us laugh more. I swear Rita's Fudge Brownie Ices were almost projected out of my nose.

Sometimes life is just funny.

Highlight of my Day

Most days are uneventful and routine. Wake up, kids off to where they need to be, pick up kids from where they were, make dinner, bedtime. Ok, I'm minimizing. But every once in awhile, something actual is the highlight of my day, and often-times it goes unnoticed.

On Monday July 16 the highlight of my day was something unexpected. It was my stepson Alex. Alex returned to his mom's house on Friday July 13 for 7 days. In the summer we do one-week-on, one-week-off. I didn't anticipate seeing him until July 20.

Imagine my surprise when he appeared at Adam's camp classroom to seek us out and say HI. He is a CIT in another classroom at Adam's school, and I'd forgotten he would be there on Monday - and even more shocked that before leaving at the end of his day, he came looking for us.

Alex was very special to my grandmother, she loved him as much as she loved my children and I think he knew it. Alex pulled me through some of my dark moments mourning Solomon's death, and now here he was again. It probably didn't mean to him what it meant to me for him to come over and say hi, but it made my day. Thanks Alex.

An Aunt

Yesterday, I saw my aunt. Not my mom's youngest sister, not the one in Israel and not my dad's sister. My aunt from Arizona. My aunt whom I'm the only one really who keeps in touch with her.

Now that my grandma died, I hope we don't lose touch. My husband and I took our kids in to have lunch with her. They say timing is everything, and while she planned a trip to NY for many months, and planned to have lunch with my grandma...what she ended up doing was visiting her at the cemetery and paying her respects.

My aunt was sad at the loss of her mother, quite contrary to what people might think. My aunt has always been patient and kind towards me. The fights of the others are not my fights. I cannot bring my children up with hate or intolerance.

I will always be in touch with my aunt, she is a part of me and a link to my grandparents. Plus, I love her.

Searching in Dreams

The dreams have begun. I shouldn't really say dreams in the plural because there has only been one.

When my grandfather died, I repeatedly dreamed I could not get home. No matter which bus or train, car or by walking, I could not arrive to my destination. The dreams occurred quite frequently then stopped after a few months. They were always in black-and-white, and it would be raining. I could not see myself in the dreams, but in the travelling I could see familiar places along the bus route to-and-from Flushing, the only place I really knew how to get to at 17.

When Aunt Ada died a few years later, the dreams took on more of a lost quality. I had lost my shoes and no matter where I looked I could not locate them. In the closet, by the front door, under my bed, they were no where to be found.

Last night, I could not get home AND I could not find my luggage. The dream was in color. I was in a taxicab with my daughter, my green canvas suitcase in the trunk. When we arrived at the train station, the suitcase wasn't there. The driver searched and took us back to where he had picked us up but the suitcase still was missing. My daughter and I trudged on back to the train station without it, but kept missing our train. We always found ourselves at the wrong platform at the time of boarding.

Needless to say, my last night's sleep was unsettled and I don't feel rested this morning at all.

What was said FOR me

These are the words I wrote, that the Rabbi spoke, at my grandmother's service. They barely reflect what I felt and still feel.

"I loved my grandma, and I was not alone. The first of her grandchildren and her only granddaughter, I considered myself the luckiest and still do. When my grandfather passed in 1983 I mourned for my grandmother as well - this was the first time I had ever experienced the death of someone I loved, and I knew it would not be the last.

But now that my Grandma is gone it's not any easier. I'm a grown woman with children of my own, children whom she adored. I consider them the luckiest of her great-grandchildren.

My grandma was wonderful. I know a lot of people say that about theirs, but mine truly was. She loved people, animals and life. She wore a smile everywhere we went, and everyone who knew her, loved her. She helped me to discover our ancestry and I will bring the gifts she gave me forward to my own children.

My grandmother was not a particularly religious woman. But she enjoyed our annual Rosh hashanah, hanukah and passover gatherings, ending every toast anyone made with the saying, "and a little money wouldn't hurt."

Whenever things got heated at family gatherings, and in our opinionated family how could they not? she would always tell me, "Amy, look away. Just look away."

My grandmother and I would just look at each other and feel the love pass between us. My grandma was pricless, a true joy, whom I loved with all of my heart and thensome."

And there was a post-piece add-in: the Rabbi mentioned for me her love of General Hospital, Russell Stover chocolates, and watching beauty pageants with me when I was a little girl.

Another day done

Another day done and not much has changed. I can't remember anything unless I write it down and then it's still questionable.

Today completes 7 days, 1 week, since my grandmother died. I keep watching the video I made of her swinging in my backyard and wondering why I just didn't video more.

I've started organizing all the digital photos I have of her into one folder on my pc so I can slideshow them anytime. They're also the screensaver.

I still feel her with me but I guess it's not really her, it's just her love. She filled me with 41+ years of it but it wasn't enough.

Monday Morning

Today is Monday July 9. I am tired, very tired, all of me. Shiva is done and that is a mixed blessing. I want people around, comforting and supporting me while I comfort and support my mom. But I am also relieved at not having to be social and considerate and caring to everyone.