Saturday, July 28, 2007

Blue

In my pantry I went to retrieve some back yard items. I was hosting a playdate and pizza was en route for the masses. Hoisting down my wire hold-all, the blue cups were there.

Goldie's favorite color was blue, it didn't matter what shade. And for my aunt's birthday on July 1, I purchased turquoise plates, cups, napkins and cutlery. Seeing them, my heart felt heavy, and I opted to put out navy cups and Mickey Mouse-themed napkins and plates.

I wonder, will it always be like this? And I have enough experience to know. Yes, it will. Blue will forever be the color of Goldie.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Miss Her


Some days I just really miss her.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

My First Laugh

Today I had my first laugh since my grandmother died on July 4th. Eighteen days. When I lost Solomon, the first laugh was in a foriegn country and it was about two months after my tragedy.

Again, I have Alex to thank, unbeknownst to him. He made a remark that was just side-splitting hilarious, but manners prevent me from stating what it was. Eric and I sat in disbelief, waiting for Alex to say, "just kidding." He didn't and that just made us laugh more. I swear Rita's Fudge Brownie Ices were almost projected out of my nose.

Sometimes life is just funny.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Highlight of my Day

Most days are uneventful and routine. Wake up, kids off to where they need to be, pick up kids from where they were, make dinner, bedtime. Ok, I'm minimizing. But every once in awhile, something actual is the highlight of my day, and often-times it goes unnoticed.

On Monday July 16 the highlight of my day was something unexpected. It was my stepson Alex. Alex returned to his mom's house on Friday July 13 for 7 days. In the summer we do one-week-on, one-week-off. I didn't anticipate seeing him until July 20.

Imagine my surprise when he appeared at Adam's camp classroom to seek us out and say HI. He is a CIT in another classroom at Adam's school, and I'd forgotten he would be there on Monday - and even more shocked that before leaving at the end of his day, he came looking for us.

Alex was very special to my grandmother, she loved him as much as she loved my children and I think he knew it. Alex pulled me through some of my dark moments mourning Solomon's death, and now here he was again. It probably didn't mean to him what it meant to me for him to come over and say hi, but it made my day. Thanks Alex.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

An Aunt

Yesterday, I saw my aunt. Not my mom's youngest sister, not the one in Israel and not my dad's sister. My aunt from Arizona. My aunt whom I'm the only one really who keeps in touch with her.

Now that my grandma died, I hope we don't lose touch. My husband and I took our kids in to have lunch with her. They say timing is everything, and while she planned a trip to NY for many months, and planned to have lunch with my grandma...what she ended up doing was visiting her at the cemetery and paying her respects.

My aunt was sad at the loss of her mother, quite contrary to what people might think. My aunt has always been patient and kind towards me. The fights of the others are not my fights. I cannot bring my children up with hate or intolerance.

I will always be in touch with my aunt, she is a part of me and a link to my grandparents. Plus, I love her.

Friday, July 13, 2007

Searching in Dreams

The dreams have begun. I shouldn't really say dreams in the plural because there has only been one.

When my grandfather died, I repeatedly dreamed I could not get home. No matter which bus or train, car or by walking, I could not arrive to my destination. The dreams occurred quite frequently then stopped after a few months. They were always in black-and-white, and it would be raining. I could not see myself in the dreams, but in the travelling I could see familiar places along the bus route to-and-from Flushing, the only place I really knew how to get to at 17.

When Aunt Ada died a few years later, the dreams took on more of a lost quality. I had lost my shoes and no matter where I looked I could not locate them. In the closet, by the front door, under my bed, they were no where to be found.

Last night, I could not get home AND I could not find my luggage. The dream was in color. I was in a taxicab with my daughter, my green canvas suitcase in the trunk. When we arrived at the train station, the suitcase wasn't there. The driver searched and took us back to where he had picked us up but the suitcase still was missing. My daughter and I trudged on back to the train station without it, but kept missing our train. We always found ourselves at the wrong platform at the time of boarding.

Needless to say, my last night's sleep was unsettled and I don't feel rested this morning at all.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

What was said FOR me

These are the words I wrote, that the Rabbi spoke, at my grandmother's service. They barely reflect what I felt and still feel.

"I loved my grandma, and I was not alone. The first of her grandchildren and her only granddaughter, I considered myself the luckiest and still do. When my grandfather passed in 1983 I mourned for my grandmother as well - this was the first time I had ever experienced the death of someone I loved, and I knew it would not be the last.

But now that my Grandma is gone it's not any easier. I'm a grown woman with children of my own, children whom she adored. I consider them the luckiest of her great-grandchildren.

My grandma was wonderful. I know a lot of people say that about theirs, but mine truly was. She loved people, animals and life. She wore a smile everywhere we went, and everyone who knew her, loved her. She helped me to discover our ancestry and I will bring the gifts she gave me forward to my own children.

My grandmother was not a particularly religious woman. But she enjoyed our annual Rosh hashanah, hanukah and passover gatherings, ending every toast anyone made with the saying, "and a little money wouldn't hurt."

Whenever things got heated at family gatherings, and in our opinionated family how could they not? she would always tell me, "Amy, look away. Just look away."

My grandmother and I would just look at each other and feel the love pass between us. My grandma was pricless, a true joy, whom I loved with all of my heart and thensome."


And there was a post-piece add-in: the Rabbi mentioned for me her love of General Hospital, Russell Stover chocolates, and watching beauty pageants with me when I was a little girl.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Another day done

Another day done and not much has changed. I can't remember anything unless I write it down and then it's still questionable.

Today completes 7 days, 1 week, since my grandmother died. I keep watching the video I made of her swinging in my backyard and wondering why I just didn't video more.

I've started organizing all the digital photos I have of her into one folder on my pc so I can slideshow them anytime. They're also the screensaver.

I still feel her with me but I guess it's not really her, it's just her love. She filled me with 41+ years of it but it wasn't enough.

Monday, July 9, 2007

Monday Morning

Today is Monday July 9. I am tired, very tired, all of me. Shiva is done and that is a mixed blessing. I want people around, comforting and supporting me while I comfort and support my mom. But I am also relieved at not having to be social and considerate and caring to everyone.