Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Erev Thanksgiving

I am thinking about my grandmother more and more these days. It is probably 'that' time of year: her wedding anniversary was a few days ago and tomorrow is Thanksgiving. How is it this is our second thanksgiving without her?

Not a day goes by still, that I am not missing her. I worry that my family is falling apart because she is gone. She was not a saviour but she kept so many things in balance for so many of us and things are still coming apart at the seams. I guess when everything is unraveled things can begin to be knit again.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Just Tired

I am so tired of missing my grandmother. And I am angry, an anger I can't really reveal to anyone because there is no one to support, deflect or absorb some of its energy.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Turning 7

She is turning 7 and my grandmother is not here to enjoy her. I hope she could see her from heaven in her swim lesson yesterday.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Superstar

I'm listening to The Carpenters while I clean the house. To me, they represent my childhood in the 1970s. The feelings I had that the world was perfect, and everyone around me too. Nothing bad ever happened to me or anyone I loved. The most horrible thing was having an annoying little brother.

The summers were especially wonderful. There were children everywhere, it was sunny almost every day. We would bea at the pool all day and play out at night and catch fireflies while the grown-ups sat in folding lawn chairs and talked. The parents all took turns buying treats for all of us from the ice cream when he arrived at our block. My best friend Lisa and I would circle the block for hours, playing either The Carpenters music or the Captain and Tenille or her cassette player. This was years before Sony Walkmans and iPods.

My grandparents were always there. Always. It was wonderful that they lived in an apartment up the block from ours. They would pass by my bedroom window on their walk down to our side of the block. I would just get so HAPPY seeing them pass by, knowing they would be around. I was so blessed.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Got Through

I got through the 4th of July this year by continuing to distance myself from the loss as much as I could. But on the beach watching the fireworks at Sea Isle City, I just softened, and hugged Adam and asked him if he thought great-grandma was watching the fireworks too, as tears rolled down my cheeks. My sweet boy told me he thought gweat-gwandma was with her husband cuddled in bed watching them. I hugged him to tight I thought he would break.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Here We Are

Here we are, July 3 2008. Today would be the anniversary of the last day of my grandmother's life. I was awake thinking about this last night, how it can't possibly be a year since I spoke to her or hugged her, that she has not been physically here.

July 1, 2007 marked the last day I saw her. She came over to celebrate my aunt's birthday. We sat outside, and ate paninis from EAT Oceanside, a restaurant Eric and I like. We ordered each sandwich individually so everyone could enjoy what they really wanted. Afterwards, Eric brought his laptop to the back yard, and we wasted away the afternoon listening to possible songs for my mom to download as her ringtone. I wonder what my grandma was thinking - how you could listen to the radio on your computer and set it up so you could play music on your cell phone!

We hugged and said goodbye and our usual "I love you mores" and that was it.

On the eve of the anniversary of her death I am sad and nauseated and know I haven't really begun to deal with my grief. I miss her so much: her love looks, her smiles to me, her hugs, the way she said Ame, and how she adored my children. I want to believe I am lucky to have had her, and I intellectually know that. But it still hurts like hell.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Father's Day

I could not take any photos today or videos. The last video, in fact one of the only videos I have of my grandmother, the one posted on this blog, was taken on Father's Day 2007. While it wouldn't be the last time I had my grandma over, it was the last time I took photos of her. I missed her today, as I do every day.

Friday, May 30, 2008

Done Crying

I thought I wouldn't cry today. I cried yesterday. The hole I feel is too big today. It's Alex's bar mitzvah and I just need her there. I would do just about anything to have her walk in to the sanctuary and take a seat. It still hurts too much.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Adam's remark

When we joined my family last week at the diner, I was so happy to see Adam. My parents and aunt had taken him with them to the cemetery to visit my grandmother. Adam told me he was a good boy and that he put rocks on the stone. He said he wants to do that again next year, if great grandma is still there.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Mother's Day

I have a knot in the pit of my stomach. I wanted so much to buy a "Great Grandma" card this year from my children. And there were some lovely cards from ME - HER ONLY GRANDDAUGHTER. I wish she were here today, and everyday, more than I wish for other possible and impossible things.

Maybe I will see her like I did briefly on Passover. I only told Eric and I know he thought I was nuts. She was wearing the tie-dye hoodie I gave her and sitting in my parents' living room, in the rocking chair. She was giving me her love-look.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Passover

Passover starts this evening, and I will be at my parents, celebrating, with a giant whole in my heart. I was up in the middle of the night last night, just crying, because I miss my grandmother so much and I cannot have my grief at my parents house.

I guess this is how it will be from now on. I will grieve and cry the day before the evening before every Jewish holiday, and any other holiday I spend at my parents.

As my grandmother used to say at the end of every seder, "and a little money wouldn't hurt."

Monday, March 10, 2008

The Birthday Cake

On March 4th I woke up sad as expected. There was nothing I could to prevent it so I just went with it. I felt removed from myself but managed to get through my morning. I don't recall if Eric or I mentioned why we were both sad but one of the kids asked for a birthday cake.

So after valet-ing Alison to her school and bringing Adam to his, I went to the supermarket and bought a container of chocolate frosting and came home and baked us a chocolate birthday cake.

After dinner, we all sang happy birthday to great-grandma. I don't know if this was the right thing to do. My grandmother loved chocolate, my kids love cake, and I just had to find a way through the darkenss of the day.

Sunday, March 2, 2008

90th

This is the weekend I would have hosted my grandmother's 90th birthday party. We were all so excited at this milestone. It would have been in my house I am sure, with yummies and presents and love. I know I would have made my sherbert punch and hot onion dip. We probably would have had lunch and something chocolate-y for dessert. I am just raw with anger that my grandmother is gone forever.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Frances Green Levin

I received photos in the mail of Frances Green Levin. She was my grandmother's first cousin. It was quite a surprise to actually have photos, and Frances looks so much like my great-grandmother Fannie, Goldie's mom. I wanted to call her and tell her I had them, I know she would have been thrilled.

I wrote to a Celia Larsen last year, on a whim, knowing she was in her 90s. Her granddaughter called me and filled me in. Celia was Ivan Levin Larsen's second wife, Ivan married her after Frances died and also after Celia's first husband died. Celia's granddaughter filled me in on Ivan's son John William Larsen, and his daughters. When Celia passed I sent a sympathy card.

When I saw the envelope from Helene, I was quite surprised and so pleased and saddened too. Here was my family, my grandmother's family. Helene isn't aware that my grandmother passed too, a few months after Celia. Hopefully we can connect so I can thank her and fill her in.