Got Through

I got through the 4th of July this year by continuing to distance myself from the loss as much as I could. But on the beach watching the fireworks at Sea Isle City, I just softened, and hugged Adam and asked him if he thought great-grandma was watching the fireworks too, as tears rolled down my cheeks. My sweet boy told me he thought gweat-gwandma was with her husband cuddled in bed watching them. I hugged him to tight I thought he would break.

Here We Are

Here we are, July 3 2008. Today would be the anniversary of the last day of my grandmother's life. I was awake thinking about this last night, how it can't possibly be a year since I spoke to her or hugged her, that she has not been physically here.

July 1, 2007 marked the last day I saw her. She came over to celebrate my aunt's birthday. We sat outside, and ate paninis from EAT Oceanside, a restaurant Eric and I like. We ordered each sandwich individually so everyone could enjoy what they really wanted. Afterwards, Eric brought his laptop to the back yard, and we wasted away the afternoon listening to possible songs for my mom to download as her ringtone. I wonder what my grandma was thinking - how you could listen to the radio on your computer and set it up so you could play music on your cell phone!

We hugged and said goodbye and our usual "I love you mores" and that was it.

On the eve of the anniversary of her death I am sad and nauseated and know I haven't really begun to deal with my grief. I miss her so much: her love looks, her smiles to me, her hugs, the way she said Ame, and how she adored my children. I want to believe I am lucky to have had her, and I intellectually know that. But it still hurts like hell.

Father's Day

I could not take any photos today or videos. The last video, in fact one of the only videos I have of my grandmother, the one posted on this blog, was taken on Father's Day 2007. While it wouldn't be the last time I had my grandma over, it was the last time I took photos of her. I missed her today, as I do every day.

Done Crying

I thought I wouldn't cry today. I cried yesterday. The hole I feel is too big today. It's Alex's bar mitzvah and I just need her there. I would do just about anything to have her walk in to the sanctuary and take a seat. It still hurts too much.

Adam's remark

When we joined my family last week at the diner, I was so happy to see Adam. My parents and aunt had taken him with them to the cemetery to visit my grandmother. Adam told me he was a good boy and that he put rocks on the stone. He said he wants to do that again next year, if great grandma is still there.

Mother's Day

I have a knot in the pit of my stomach. I wanted so much to buy a "Great Grandma" card this year from my children. And there were some lovely cards from ME - HER ONLY GRANDDAUGHTER. I wish she were here today, and everyday, more than I wish for other possible and impossible things.

Maybe I will see her like I did briefly on Passover. I only told Eric and I know he thought I was nuts. She was wearing the tie-dye hoodie I gave her and sitting in my parents' living room, in the rocking chair. She was giving me her love-look.

Passover

Passover starts this evening, and I will be at my parents, celebrating, with a giant whole in my heart. I was up in the middle of the night last night, just crying, because I miss my grandmother so much and I cannot have my grief at my parents house.

I guess this is how it will be from now on. I will grieve and cry the day before the evening before every Jewish holiday, and any other holiday I spend at my parents.

As my grandmother used to say at the end of every seder, "and a little money wouldn't hurt."